My Bad Week
by Smudgie
Summary: Dr Cox is on JD's back about a patient he accidentally killed, and he thought things couldn't get any worse. But then a madman with a gun shows up. JDA.
1. Chapter 1

'Hey…'

Turk was poking his head around the door of the doctors' lounge, grinning. He held up a paper bag and waved it. 'Lunch?'

'Hey, Turk,' I said, trying to smile back. It hurt my cheek muscles. When was the last time I smiled? It would have been a week ago. I'm pretty sure the face I'm making now doesn't remotely resemble a smile. More like the grimace of someone who's just had a spear thrust through him. 'I'm not really hungry…'

'C'mon.' Turk flopped down on the sofa beside me. 'You gotta be hungry. You eat like a pig every other day…'

'You're a good friend.'

'You know it.' Turk's smile vanished and he suddenly looked serious. 'JD, man, you have to eat. Have you had lunch at all this week?'

'I have been to the cafeteria, yes.' I kept my tone light-hearted.

'But not at lunchtime.'

I didn't say anything.

'Look, you can talk to me. Why don't you eat with us anymore? It's because of Dr Cox, right?'

My throat tightened abruptly. Ow. It felt as though I had a tennis ball shoved down there. I stared hard at the floor.

'Yeah, thought so.' Turk's voice was suddenly glum. There was a silence for a minute. 'JD?'

I took in a deep breath, ready to say something, but instead it came out as a cracked, shuddering half-sob and I let my head fall into my hands, my fingers gripping my hair.

I heard Turk sigh. 'JD…' Another impossibly long pause. My eyes were suddenly full of hot tears, and I blinked them away, ashamed, and relieved that Turk couldn't see. Why couldn't he just leave? Why was he making this so awkward for both of us? And why couldn't _I _just leave? But it felt as though my legs were full of lead. I don't think I could have gotten up if I'd had the will to try.

Unexpectedly, one of Turk's hands was on my shoulder and his other hand was balled in a fist, tentatively rubbing my back. I sniffed and distractedly rubbed at my eyes with my sleeve.

'We're all really worried about you, you know.' Turk's voice was quiet, the only sound in the room; the voices, footsteps and the ringing of telephones of the hospital around us had faded to a distant hum. 'You won't talk, you won't eat…it's like you're locked away in your own world, man. More than usual, I mean,' he added wryly.

I almost laughed, but it came out as another sob. Turk's hands tightened slightly on me. 'Aw, I'm no good at this kind of stuff. Why couldn't Carla have come talk to you, dammit!'

I straightened up, still trying to rub my cheeks inconspicuously, but it was a bit too late for that now. 'No...thanks Turk…I mean…I just…' I shook my head desperately. 'I can't really face Dr Cox right now. Every time I see him, he rubs what I've done in my face, and I don't understand _why…_' My hands were trembling. 'And it's worse when he does it in front of you guys.'

Turk shook me roughly by the shoulder. 'OK, this has got to stop _now!_' He was so angry he was nearly shouting. I blinked, dazed. 'JD, first of all, no one thinks badly of you 'cause of this. We've all made mistakes. Hell, I'm a surgeon; I've made more mistakes than anyone! What happened wasn't your fault, you hear me? Hey, man, look at me.' I turned my head to face him, unwillingly. God knew what I looked like, with bloodshot eyes and blotchy cheeks. Turk was gazing at me earnestly. 'It wasn't your fault.'

It had been my fault. There wasn't really any way around it. But Turk spoke with so much conviction that I nearly believed it, and I suddenly felt lighter than I had all week. I managed a nod –

'Oh, I _beg _to differ.'

My insides seemed to shrivel up at the sound of that voice and my fists clenched unconsciously. _Please don't say it. Don't start saying it. Just…forgive me. Please, Dr Cox. Forgive me._

'What do you want?' Turk's voice was uncharacteristically harsh.

'Oh, I'm just making a minor correction.' Dr Cox bared his teeth in some sort of smile at Turk as he leaned in the doorway. 'That is, what happened is _certainly _Newbie's fault. And there's just no nice way of saying he's a murderer. So that's what you are, Newbie. A murderer.'

I slowly raised my eyes to meet his. The smile still lurked at the corners of his mouth, but he wasn't smiling anymore; it was as though he had forgotten the smile was still there. His eyes were boring into me. The word _murderer _reverberated inside my head, bouncing off the inside of my skill. I swallowed hard and stood up, wavering slightly.

'Dr Cox – ' Why did my voice have to shake like that? Why? 'I know I made a mistake and that I screwed up, but _you _know that – that I didn't mean for it to be this way and that…I'm sorry.' The last words came out as a whisper. Great, so now I was apologising? I was a snivelling little dog grovelling at his feet. I wanted to kill myself.

He was staring hard at me. I could no longer read his expression. Unable to meet his gaze any longer, I dropped my eyes to the floor and blinked rapidly, biting my lip hard to stop the tears from coming.

'Just go, Newbie.' His voice was quiet and tired.

OK, forget about stopping the tears; here they came. The floor I was staring at was blurring and disintegrating. _Get out of here before he sees you crying, you big girl! That's the one thing that'll make it worse! Just put one foot in front of the other until you're far away from here._

Stumbling over my own feet, unable to see anything in front of me, I somehow made out of the doctors' lounge and down the corridor, the tears spilling onto my cheeks now.

Dr Cox would never forgive me, but he didn't need to bother. I would never forgive myself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Eeee! Thanks for the lovely reviews! eats them Yes, I live on reviews. Don't let me starve!**

**This chapter's kind of short and maybe it was a mistake to write it when I really need to sleep, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.**

I'd never seen Newbie cry before.

It was strange to realise this. After his four years in this hellhole, after so many people dying and his unwise tendency to attach himself to these people, if I'd thought about it, I would've guessed that at some point I'd seen him break down and had simply pushed the memory out of my mind.

But now, when I cast my mind back, I realised that I'd never seen Newbie cry, even after all the shit. Until now. He was standing in front of me, head bowed, tears spilling onto his cheeks. No, I'd never seen Newbie cry until now, and it was because of me.

Fantastic.

The sight rendered me speechless momentarily. The insults sprang to my lips – _Go on, have a sniffle there, Nancy; What, you think _crying _is going to make this better? _– but I couldn't say a word. Newbie stumbled past me into the corridor and was gone.

I stared after him for sometime before turning to face Ghandi.

He was looking at me silently, his arms crossed. We held each other's gaze, the tension between us tautening almost to breaking point. Then he said, quietly, 'What the hell, man?'

I cleared my throat. 'Would ya mind enlightening me there what you're on about, Ghandi?' Voice back. Good.

'You know what I'm on about.' His bitter tone startled me. 'Just tell me why you're doin' this to JD.'

I planted my feet apart and reached up to quickly tap my nose. 'Well, see there, I would've thought that was _obvious. _Maybe it's the way he killed a patient I actually _liked_? Or is that too complex to bore its way through the bowling ball perched on top of your neck?'

'JD didn't _kill _anyone!' Ghandi's voice rose. 'You know how exhausted how he was, we all were last week! It was just a drugs mix-up that could've happened to anyone, and it happened to JD because he was so tired he couldn't see straight. He didn't deserve it, and he doesn't deserve this crap you're giving him.'

I grinned manically. 'It's too bad you feel that way. Because this crap is exactly what Newbie deserves and it's what he'll be getting for as long as I know him. So if you've got the balls to punch me in the face, or you don't – which in my opinion is _extre-hem-ley_ likely – and you're just going to run off and tell Carla, then do it. But it's not going to change anything, I'm telling you that now.'

Ghandi's eyes were hard and furious. 'I'm not gonna do any of those things,' he said, shaking his head. 'I'm just wondering what it _is _gonna take to change anything. I mean, you know the kind of person JD is, right?' Without pausing for me to answer, he went on, 'And you know what'll happen if you go on like this. Are you waiting for him to do something that you'll regret for the rest of your life?'

He left.

I was alone in the middle of the room, with no one to answer to but myself.

I didn't know why I was treating Newbie like this. I honestly didn't know. Maybe it was because I wanted to make Newbie just as cynical as I was. Maybe it was because every time I started on at him Newbie just walked away, which was, frankly, a relief.

Maybe it was because when I saw him hurting I wanted him to hurt even more.

Screw him, whatever it was. Ghandi said Newbie didn't deserve this treatment, but that patient hadn't deserved to die because of Newbie's incompetence. And I'm never going to let him forget it.


	3. Chapter 3

**In response to Don'tCallMeBones - I guess that **_**would**_** make Dr Cox a murderer too, but I haven't actually seen season 5, and anyway, Dr Cox isn't exactly known for being rational XD But for the record, I would set this story at maybe seasons 3 or 4...kind of ambiguous.**

**Much love to my reviewers! **

I know that I've been walking around in a daze since my confrontation with Dr Cox a few hours ago, but I can't seem to snap out of it. Faces are a blur, voices seem to be coming to me as if I'm underwater. I treat patients robotically, hardly aware of what I'm doing. I'll probably end up killing someone else if I go on like this. That would definitely make Dr Cox's day. I wondered just exactly how he would go about expressing his disapproval.

'Bambi?'

If I killed more than one patient, he would probably have to kill _me. _Was he more of a guns or a knives guy?

'Bambi!'

Carla's face swam into focus in front of me. I blinked. 'Hacking would probably be involved,' I mumbled.

She frowned. 'What?'

'Uh, nothing.'

We were standing outside the hospital doors in the chilly afternoon air. Shivering slightly, Carla linked one of her arms with mine. 'What are you doing out here by yourself?'

'Just taking a little break. You know, avoiding the wrath of Dr Cox…' I forced a laugh, trying to make light of it. Carla didn't smile.

'Turk said he talked to you earlier.'

'Mmm.'

'And that Dr Cox came along and called you a murderer.' She squeezed my arm.

I grimaced. 'That's pretty much how it went.'

We were silent for a moment.

'I don't know why he's doing this.' Carla's voice was oddly strained, as if she were holding back tears. I didn't look at her, just stared blindly out across the car park. Her fingers were rubbing anxiously over my hand. 'In all the time I've known him, he's never treated anyone like this. I've tried talking to him, but it's like he just shuts off and I don't know what to do…'

Her voice was getting higher and higher. 'Please don't start babbling in Spanish,' I said.

'_Babbling_?' She raised her eyebrows at me.

We both grinned, but I felt the smile quickly slide off my face.

'Look, Carla,' I sighed, resting my elbows on the railing, 'I don't need you to talk to Dr Cox. I can handle this on my own.'

'Right,' Carla said, her voice stronger again and full of scepticism. 'That's why you're not talking to any of us and hiding out here and not eating. Look at how thin you're getting!' She pinched my ribs.

'Ow!' I swatted her hand away. 'I don't know what you're talking about, Carla, I'm fine, I've never – never been better…' My voice was getting thick. Oh God, I wasn't about to start crying again, was I? It had been embarrassing enough the first time. And it had been in front of Dr Cox, no less.

Carla looked at me steadily for a moment. 'You're not fine, Bambi,' she said softly.

I swallowed. 'I gotta get back to work.'

She sighed and stretched up to kiss me on the cheek. 'This isn't over,' she said. 'We're going to sort this out. Just remember that we're all here for you, okay?'

This time the smile I gave her was genuine.

If I didn't feel exactly on top of the world as I dealt with my next patient, a well-built guy of about thirty, I was feeling distinctly more light-hearted, and for once my voice sounded normal as I dealt with him. 'Well, your problem seems to have resolved itself, Mr, uh, - ' I squinted at the paperwork.

'Call me Joe,' he said, in a friendly voice.

'Joe – we're going to let you go – '

A loud clapping from the doorway startled me. My head snapped up and I gritted my teeth together. I didn't have to turn around to know who it was.

'Well, would ya look at that – a patient you didn't manage to kill!'

What now? Why couldn't he leave me alone? Why did he have to insist on tormenting me like this? Was it always going to be like this from now on? Sudden despair made my hands tremble involuntarily.

'Bravo, Newbie, bravo – '

Oh God, he was still going on.

'You, what's your name?' said Dr Cox jovially.

'I'm Joe,' said the patient, frowning.

'Let me tell ya, Joe, you're lucky to be alive in the hands of this so-called doctor. But here's some advice…' Dr Cox came forward and whispered loudly, '_Get out while ya can!_' He waved his hands urgently. 'Go on! Go! You're free! Free as a bird!'

'I was just leaving…' Joe said uncertainly.

'Thank _God _for that. If Newbie here had continued treating you, there's no telling what might have happened. Maybe he'd have, oh, I don't know, given you the wrong drugs or something?' Dr Cox was staring at me. 'Isn't that right, Newbie? Isn't it?'

'You're being very unprofessional.' My voice wavered uncontrollably.

'No, Newbie. Killing your own damn patients is what I call unprofessional.'

'Look, everyone makes mistakes!' I shouted. 'And, and, I'm sure you've made them too! I'd too anything I could to set this better, but there's nothing I can do…so I – I can't. I wish I could.'

Dr Cox had a new expression, one I couldn't read. This was becoming the norm lately. 'You'd do anything to make it right?'

'Yes, of course.'

He leaned forward. 'Then why don't you go ahead and pump yourself full of drugs until you're stone cold dead, Newbie. Because that is the _only_ thing, and I do mean the _only_ thing, that could ever set this right.'

He turned on his heel and stormed out of the room. I don't know how long I stared at the empty door after him, frozen in utter shock.

'Hey – you okay?'

I whirled around at the sound of Joe's soft voice. 'Yeah, fine, I'm great…' It was only now that I realised that tears were pouring down my face and dripping off my chin. Twice in the same day. This was ridiculous. I couldn't find any words, so I just mopped uselessly at my face with my sleeve.

'Yeah, so you seem to be okay and if the problem returns just come back and we can sort it out – ' My voice was hoarse and high-pitched. I couldn't see, I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe.

'It's all right.' Joe's hands were on my shoulders, guiding me to a chair. I sank into it, my legs giving way. 'You can take a moment.'

'S-sorry,' I muttered, sniffing. 'I'm really sorry, I'll get someone else to come into you…' I thought of going out into the corridor like this and moaned.

'No, no, I'll wait…I'll make sure you're okay first.' His hand rested on my arm as I began gulping in deep breaths, trying to slow my pulse and stop the flow of tears. He coughed. 'That guy…'

'Dr Cox,' I muttered.

'He was being a little hard on you, right?'

I snorted mirthlessly. The tears had stopped. Good. Now I just had to get them off my face.

'You know, my father was like that,' Joe said. 'Exactly the same. He treated me like utter crap…when my grandmother died he made out that it was my fault.'

'I'm sorry…'

Joe sighed. 'To this day I've always wished I could get revenge on him. Wished that I hadn't let that chance slip through my fingers. But you, Dr – Dorian? You have that chance. Wouldn't you like to get revenge on Dr Cox? To make him feel what you're feeling now?'

'What?' I said distractedly. 'What?'

'He's making you feel guilty,' Joe said softly. 'How would you like to make _him _feel guilty? How would he feel if you died because of him?'

I don't know what I was going to say when I opened my mouth. Probably something unintelligible, like 'What?' again. But I never said it, because he had just pressed a gun to my ribs.


	4. Chapter 4

Oh good God.

Had I really just told Newbie to go and kill himself?

I mentally ran back over the conversation that I had ended seconds ago. _Then why don't you go ahead and pump yourself full of drugs until you're stone cold dead, Newbie. _But that was just a normal thing for me to say, wasn't it? He had known it was just me being…_me_, hadn't he?

But even I had to admit that it had been a bit over the top even by my standards. Newbie's pale, shocked face had confirmed that. I couldn't get the image out of my mind, even when I concentrated hard on my surroundings. Dammit.

I strode swiftly to the nurses' station, grasped the edge of the counter and brought my head down on it twice, harder than usual.

When I raised my now pounding head, Carla was watching me dispassionately.

'Something wrong?' she said coldly.

'I…uh…' I rubbed the back of my head. 'I was just talking to Newbie.'

I saw her stiffen, but her face remained blank. 'You were?' She shuffled papers absently; I saw her eyes flicker quickly up to mine, hope showing briefly in her face. 'He was pretty upset earlier. Have you guys sorted out things between you?'

'Not…exactly.'

Carla narrowed her eyes.

What the hell. I was in too deep already. 'I practically told him to go and kill himself.'

'_What?_' she gasped, the papers slipping from her hands to the ground.

'Yep.' I grinned, spreading my arms wide. 'Told him to – let me see…to pump himself full of drugs just like he did that patient, because that would be the only way he could set it right. Oh, don't look at me like that, Carla! This is the way it's always been. I dole out a little tough love, Newbie learns a life lesson and…and…' My throat was becoming tight, but I choked out the words anyway, still grinning insanely, '…and he may or may not go home and attempt suicide. Now isn't that just fan-_tas_-tic? Isn't it?' I whammed my forehead down onto the counter with even more force than before, and this time I didn't raise my head.

After a long moment, I felt something entirely unexpected – her hand touching my hair. 'Perry,' she said softly, and the sadness in her voice was a hundred times worse than all the anger she'd thrown at me over the past week. 'Why are you doing this?'

I sighed, raising my head, resting my elbows on the countertop and rubbing my eyes. 'I don't know.'

If she hadn't been angry before, I was certainly expecting her to be angry with that answer. But she only continued to look at me sadly. 'Then maybe you should work out why you're doing this, and then you can deal with your issues,' she said simply. 'It's not fair to JD. You know that.'

I stared into her eyes, my stomach clenching with the sudden panic to explain. All I could say, hoarsely, was, 'I never meant any of it.'

Carla smiled at me then, a soft, genuine Carla-smile. 'I know,' she said. 'And I think deep down JD knows it too.'

I nodded shortly, staring down at the counter. 'I – I hope so.'

She squeezed my hand.

'_Baby!_' Oh great, Gandhi had just bounded up, staring between his wife and me. 'What the hell are you doin'?' he hissed at her. 'You're fraternising with the enemy!'

'Dr Cox isn't the enemy, Turk,' Carla said soothingly, kissing his cheek.

He looked down at her with wide eyes. 'Is this a joke? 'Cause I told you what he was like to JD earlier! Did you lie?' He pointed his finger at me. 'Did you tell her that's not really happened? If you did – '

'Clam up, Bowling Ball,' I said shortly. 'I'll have you know that I have since – ' I cleared my throat, ' – seen the error of my ways and – '

The end of my sentence was lost in a deafening bang that echoed around the corridor. There were gasps and sharp cries from the people surrounding us. Gandhi and I turned to stare at each other, then to look at Carla. Her eyes were wide. 'Was that a gunsh – '

BANG.

This time there were more screams and a scattering of people from further up the corridor. My pulse quickening, I pressed my back against the counter of the nurses' station, craning my neck to see what was going on…

And then my heart stopped.

A muscular guy who looked familiar – Joe, his name was Joe, I had seen him just minutes earlier – had was striding forward in our direction, nurses and doctors scrambling and tripping over each other to get out of his path. In one hand he held a gun, and in the other...in the other he was gripping Newbie's upper arm.

'JD,' I heard Gandhi whisper almost inaudibly.

Newbie's dark hair was standing on end and his face was white. His panicked gaze met mine briefly, and then I saw his eyes move to Turk and Carla. Now he was turning his head, looking away from us, searching the crowd of terrified staff; I followed his line of vision and saw Barbie standing near us, to the forefront of the crowd, one hand clamped over her mouth.

BANG.

The third gunshot made me leap into the air, the end of my stethoscope flying up and whipping me in the chin. Joe had fired into the ceiling; bits of plaster rained down. _The janitor isn't going to be happy about that._

'Quiet,' Joe called in a loud, clear voice. There were moans of horror and scufflings towards the door. 'I said, QUIET!' The scufflings stopped and a deathly still fell over the crowd. I was barely aware of Carla gripping the back of my lab coat tightly. Joe looked pleasantly around at us. 'Good. Okay, let me make a few things clear. I am going to have complete silence. That means no one is allowed to talk. That includes you, Dr Dorian.' He shook Newbie roughly. Newbie's eyes were now glued to the floor. 'Also, if anyone leaves or tries to call the police, I will shoot them. I hope that's understood. Now…' He started scanning the crowd with narrowed eyes. 'Dr Cox.'

My breath caught in my throat when I heard him pronounce me name, and my feet were suddenly stuck to the ground. Joe's eyes landed on me and he smiled. 'There you are!' He strode over to me, dragging Newbie with him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Gandhi's hands slowly curling into fists. My hand shot out and landed on his wrist. 'Don't try anything stupid,' I muttered in a low voice. I wasn't about to take any chances while that guy had both Newbie and a gun in his grasp.

I was piercingly aware that every shocked, fearful gaze in the room was on me, and I cursed the fact that Carla and Gandhi were both standing right beside me, in the line of fire. But I didn't have long to contemplate on this because Joe was right in front of me, grinning.

'Hello again, Dr Cox,' he said. 'As you can see, I've decided that you need to learn a lesson or two.' I opened my mouth, but he waved a finger at me. 'Remember, no talking.' He suddenly pushed Newbie forward, still retaining a tight grip on his arm. 'How does it feel, Dr Cox?'

Newbie's eyes met mine and we stared at each other for what seemed a long, long time. I had no idea what my face looked like. Newbie's was blank with horror. I could feel the frozen terror of Carla and Gandhi.

Joe was still talking. 'Are you listening, Dr Cox? I said, how does it feel to know that Dr Dorian will be dead very soon because of you?'

_Because of me? What the hell is he talking about? _I tore my eyes from Newbie's. Desperation had me talking without even realising it. 'Look, just put the gun down and we can talk this through – '

Joe was grimacing regretfully. 'I don't think someone who has such a poor memory would make a very good doctor. Didn't I just say no talking?' He shrugged. 'I guess I should show you what happens when you break the rules.'

As swiftly as a snake, he drew a knife from his pocket with the hand that was still holding the gun, and slashed it through Newbie's blue scrubs.


	5. Chapter 5

The dark blood spread rapidly across the gash in Newbie's shoulder; gasping, he clutched at the wound, his face going even whiter than before. My feet were suddenly carrying me forward, as if in slow-motion. Gandhi yelled, '_JD!_' and also lunged in Joe's direction, but both he and I stopped short when the barrel of the gun was pointed in our direction.

Joe was smiling, his eyes glinting. It was an image I suddenly know would be burned into my memory for the rest of the life, no matter how short the rest of it might be: Joe's flushed face, his eyes burning, while Newbie was as white as a sheet as the blood dripped between his fingers.

Joe was looking at Gandhi. 'How many more times to I have to say this? _No talking._' His eyes never leaving us, he whipped the blade of the knife across Newbie's chest. I stared, horrified, but he hadn't actually stabbed Newbie; although judging by the way the stain spread rapidly across his front and the way blood was now pooling at his feet, it hadn't been a shallow cut. Newbie's hands were now pressed uselessly over his chest. As if through a blur I saw that he was shaking violently. The act of forcing my feet to remain still and my mouth to remain closed was literally painful.

All was quiet again. There was a sea of terrified faces, of bodies pressed tightly together in fear and horror. Someone was crying and I heard Carla give a suppressed, broken sob, but other than that no one so much as moved.

Joe's eyes were on me again. 'Make poor Dr Dorian feel guilty, will you?' he said softly, almost in a whisper. 'Well, how does it feel knowing that all this is your fault, Dr Cox? How does it feel?'

In the instant that Newbie's eyes and mine locked, I understood.

Joe had been there when I'd been doing my thing of relentlessly blaming Newbie for some random patient's death, some patient I'd liked but who had died because of a simple, terrible mistake, Newbie's mistake. _Everyone makes mistakes. _Everyone did make mistakes, I'd made mistakes, but I had chosen to inflict misery and guilt on Newbie and he didn't know why and even I didn't know why, but because of it…

This was my fault.

The blood staining Newbie's scrubs was my fault.

I was numb. I couldn't let myself feel anything right now. If I did, I…I didn't know what I'd do. And I would probably do more harm than good.

Joe shook Newbie, whose eyes had become somewhat blank. 'Tell Dr Cox that this is his fault.'

Newbie stared at him, open-mouthed.

'Tell him.' Joe's voice was friendly. 'Tell him, and I won't hurt you anymore. Go on. Say it. Say, "Dr Cox, this is all your fault".'

Newbie was now gazing blankly at the floor. I was still wrapped in numbness, and watched with almost a sense of detachment.

'Say it.' Joe's voice had turned menacing.

'Dr Cox, this is all your fault,' Newbie mumbled, never looking up. He was wobbling slightly; if Joe hadn't been clutching his arm, I guessed he would've fallen over by now.

'Now cut him,' Joe said softly.

Newbie's head snapped up; tears were still glinting in his eyes. His expression was of utter shock. Carla grabbed my hand and held it tight.

Joe pressed the knife into Newbie's limp, unresisting hand. 'Cut him.'

Newbie started to shake his head, his eyes wide. 'I – I can't…' His sentence was cut short as Joe put the gun to his head.

'Cut Dr Cox,' Joe said softly, 'or I will kill you.'

An eternity seemed to pass. Newbie looked at me, looked at Gandhi and Carla beside me. I could only imagine what their expressions were. The numbness no longer allowed me to interpret Newbie's.

'Tick tock,' whispered Joe.

Slowly, Newbie raised the knife and rested the tip of it against my white coat. The hand that was holding the knife was shaking. I met Newbie's eyes, wanted to say something, but my mind was cotton wool and there was nothing but the numbness.

Suddenly Newbie gritted his teeth and threw the knife to the ground, where it clattered away. I released the breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding, piercing clarity abruptly returning, almost painfully. My legs like jelly…the fear on so many people's faces…the blood on Newbie's scrubs…Newbie, who was going to die at any minute unless someone did something…hadn't any one called the police? Stupid people, stupid, stupid, stupid…

Joe was distracted; he and Newbie were facing each other. I thrust my hand into my pocket, withdrew my cell phone and was pressing it blindly behind me. To my relief, Carla's hand found it. 'The police, call the police,' I whispered. I knew that she had been leaning over the counter and could duck behind it.

I barely heard her move away. Gandhi and I exchanged a quick glance before turning our attention to the scene at hand.

'You're a bastard,' Newbie said, his voice cracking. 'You're a sick bastard.'

Joe stared at him a moment longer, then his lips pulled back in a snarl and he swept the gun into the side of Newbie's face; I grimaced at the thud and clenched my fists tightly together to calm the anger that was threatening to overwhelm me. Newbie immediately collapsed to the ground, his legs giving way under him. I could _feel _Gandhi restraining himself from rushing to his aid.

Joe stood over Newbie, breathing heavily. 'So that's how it is?' he said, raising the gun. 'Okay, let's see what you get now…'

Newbie was dead, he was dead, he was going to die –

Joe fired into the mass of people crowding the corridor.

I saw a spurt of red, I saw someone go down. Screams erupted. There were people bending over the fallen person – 'Don't touch her!' Joe shouted. 'Stand back!'

'No – no…' Newbie cried, staggering to his feet. 'Don't, don't – '

'No talking, Dr Dorian!' Two more gunshots. Two more people down. The screaming intensified.

'No, please…'

'NO TALKING!' The gun was pointed in Barbie's direction.

'NO! _ELLIOT!_' Newbie lunged at Joe, but Joe hit him and fired again, but not at Barbie, Barbie was alive, but someone else was dead.

'SHUT UP! SHUT UP! IF EVERYONE DOESN'T SHUT UP I'LL KILL YOU ALL!' Joe roared. The heaving mass of people struggling to get out of the corridor suddenly stilled and the screaming died away, replaced by whimpering and sobbing. There were bodies on the floor and huge pools of blood that were creeping in every direction.

Newbie was bent double, in agony from the situation unfolding around him. Tears were pouring from his eyes, his hands were clamped over his mouth to prevent himself from saying anything else. Joe patted his head.

'Good,' he said. 'You've finally learned to keep your mouth shut. Do you know what that means?'

Newbie's eyes were squeezed shut.

'That means it's time for you to die.'

Joe walked a few paces away, and pointed with the gun to a point in the empty middle of the corridor. 'Kneel.'

Slowly and shakily, Newbie straightened up and walked over to Joe. His haunted, empty eyes went to us, to me and Gandhi and Carla and he mouthed, 'Sorry.' We stared back.

Joe raised the gun. 'Kneel,' he said again.

Newbie knelt.


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry for the long wait, everyone. I couldn't figure out what to do next with this story. And there was stuff on.**

**Hugs and cookies to my reviewers! You guys are the best.**

I couldn't think. I didn't want to think. If I started to think I would have to acknowledge the bodies on the floor, and the blood, and the fact that these people had died because of me.

I didn't want to think. I wanted to die.

It was almost with relief that I knelt in front of Joe. It would all be over soon. I would never have to think about anything again.

I didn't close my eyes because it didn't really make a difference. Blackness misted at the edges of my vision. It was through a thick haze that I saw Joe raise the gun and point it straight at me before the blackness overcame the sight of him too.

I couldn't see anything and I couldn't hear anything. Did that mean I was dead now?

But there was a sudden sensation of flying, and then something small and hard struck me, and then there really was nothing.

00000000000000000000000

I was only became aware of running forward, grabbing Newbie and throwing him out of the way of the bullet when we were both in midair, and by then it was too late to undo it. I didn't even have time to curse my stupidity because I felt Newbie jerk violently in my arms.

He'd been shot anyway. God damn it.

We both landed heavily on our sides. My arms were still wrapped around Newbie; his head lolled limply onto the floor. I could do nothing but stare as Joe approached slowly. Great. Now we were _both _going to die.

He raised the gun. Hardly realising what I was doing, I tightened my grip around Newbie's body. I didn't know what we looked like a that moment – the two of us sprawled on the floor, Newbie dead in my arms, me unable to look away from Joe as he approached.

I didn't have time to reflect on it further because at that moment Gandhi lunged forward, his fist flying towards Joe's face. Joe went down with a yell, the gun going off again…and again…

'_Turk!_' Carla screamed.

I didn't pause. If I paused we were dead. In one swift motion I scooped Newbie into my arms, staggered to my feet, yelled, 'Carla! Gandhi!' and took off down the corridor without looking back. The influence that Joe had exerted over the crowd had snapped; there were people fleeing in every direction, some falling, some huddling against the wall, in hysterics. I locked myself away from them all, keeping myself moving, and tried to ignore the terrified people on every side of me, and the fact that I was running through pools of blood.

But where the hell were the other two?

Growling, I whipped around, Newbie's head flopping on my shoulder. The mass of running, screaming people was thinning…and here were Carla and Gandhi, sprinting towards us…and behind them Joe, his back to us, but getting to his feet, reaching for his gun…

He was coming.

I wrenched open the first door I saw. Carla and Gandhi rushed by me and I followed, almost tripping over both of them as I slammed the door on the enclosed space. Of all the places I had to pick, it had to be the supply closet.

Carla was already desperately scrambling with the lock. I fell to my knees and let Newbie slide to the floor.

'Newbie, Newbie, _JD_…'

He jerked and shuddered on the floor beneath my hands. There was a small dark hole in his chest, just below his collarbone. Blood was spilling from his mouth. His eyes were closed – his eyelids were a dark, bruised purple, vivid against his white face. But he was alive.

Gandhi was there, reaching for Newbie's head, cradling it in his lap. 'JD…oh man…' His voice was thick. 'JD, don't die, man, don't die…' I saw tears splash onto Newbie's blood-smeared face.

'Quit being such a girl, Gandhi, and compress his wound,' I snapped, rolling up my sleeves. I couldn't believe my voice was so steady. 'Carla – '

'Shh,' whispered Carla, holding up a trembling hand. She was peering through the small window of the supply closet door. I froze.

'Is he out there?'

'I – I don't know. Maybe he's gone…'

'I wouldn't count on it,' I muttered. 'Carla, could you check out the supplies to see if you can find anything useful?' I would have gotten up myself, but I didn't think my legs could support me.

'Maybe you haven't noticed, but there's a distinct lack of defibrillators in here!' Carla's voice was high-pitched with terror.

'So? It's not like we're going to need those. Right, Newbie?'

Newbie opened his eyes and looked at me.

'Dr Cox,' he whispered.

'The one and only, Newbie.' His wide blue eyes were already staring past me. I avoided his gaze and started to rip open the front of his scrubs. Carla was rummaging on the shelves behind me.

'Dr Cox.' His voice was barely audible. 'I'm s-sorry…' He coughed out a broken sob.

'If you could just shut up and concentrate on not bleeding quite so much, Newbie, that would be real helpful.' His blood was everywhere. On his clothes, on the floor. On my hands.

Carla knelt beside me, reaching for Newbie's hand. 'Bambi, Bambi,' she moaned. 'Bambi, Bambi…'

'Carla, are you a stuck record or a trained nurse?' I said, pulling at the gauze she'd given me. 'You seem to be going with the stuck record thing, so get out of my way and go keep watch for that madman, would ya?'

I never met her eyes and she never said anything, but as she got up she lightly squeezed my shoulder.

Gauze for a gunshot wound. I couldn't take it. I was ripping senselessly at it, knowing that it could be no more useful than the hand Gandhi had clamped over Newbie's wound. His other hand was pressed to Newbie's cheek. I watched as Newbie looked up at him with hazy, tear-filled eyes.

'How you doin', Vanilla Bear?' Gandhi's voice trembled on every syllable.

'It…it hurts…Turk, help me…'

Gandhi didn't say anything. I heard him sniff noisily. His fingers gently stroked Newbie's cheek. The kid's eyes fluttered closed.

'Uh, Gandhi?' I said, now mopping with the gauze at the blood staining Newbie's skin. So long as I was doing something, moving, no matter how inane or pointless my actions were, I could just about keep it together. 'The last time I checked, the pulse was not located in the face, so unless you know otherwise, monitor his pulse and pretend that those four years of medical school actually count for something.'

Gandhi reached for Newbie's wrist. I turned to Carla. 'What does it look like out there?'

'I can't see.' Her voice was strained as she looked through the small window. 'I…wait…'

'Dr Cox,' said Gandhi from behind me.

'The police! The police are here!' cried Carla in relief.

Relief rose like champagne bubbles in my chest. I began to get to my feet, unable to keep myself from grinning. 'Well, it's about time…' Carla looked back at me, beaming, her tear-streaked face alight, even as she fumbled with the catch on the door.

'_Dr Cox, his pulse – '_

Time seemed to slow around me as I whirled around and thudded to my knees beside Newbie again, my heart drumming relentlessly in my ears as I reached blindly for his other wrist…

His pulse…

Was gone.


	7. Chapter 7

There were police. There was blood all over the floor. There were people running, people shouting. There was Newbie lying on a gurney. There was the shrill, persistent sound of him flat lining. There was his body jerking fiercely as doctors tried to shock him back to life. There was Gandhi on his knees, weeping, and Carla standing with her face in her hands.

There was me, watching, as Newbie was shocked again and again. There was me, turning, walking away, away down the corridor, slowly, until the sound of the shrieking heart monitor had faded.

00000000000000000000000

I didn't know how much time had passed by the time Carla came to find me in the on call room. Five minutes? An hour? Time had lost all meaning. Everything had lost all meaning.

She stood in the door. I closed my eyes. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear that Newbie was dead. I could just about control myself by not knowing. If I knew, then…

Well.

Carla stood uncertainly in the door. I glanced up blearily from where I'd been sitting on the edge of the bed ever since I'd come in here. She watched me for a moment and I felt my hands clench the sheets. This was it, Newbie was dead, he was gone.

'He's in surgery.'

I blinked slowly at her, uncomprehending. I frowned. 'Why?'

It was Carla's turn to blink. 'Well, I'd guess it's to remove that bullet from his chest…'

He was alive.

Exhaling, I leaned forward and put my head in my hands. I felt Carla sit down next to me, and then her gentle hands on my shoulders. 'He's not out of the woods yet.' Her voice was strained. 'He's crashed twice…but the bullet missed his heart.' I heard her swallow. 'Thanks to you.'

'How's Gandhi doing?'

'Oh, you know. In complete hysterics. I – I don't know why I'm not freaking out more.' Carla's voice trembled. 'I don't think it's sunk in yet…'

Silently, I reached up to take one of her hands and we sat entwined like that for a moment. Carla rested her head against mine. Somewhere within the hospital Newbie's heart was beating, he was breathing, he was living.

'It's my fault,' I said hoarsely.

'Don't,' Carla whispered, her grip tightening on me.

'You heard what that guy – Joe…you heard what he said. If I hadn't...if I wasn't…to Newbie…' My eyes were burning.

'He was insane, Perry!' Carla said tremulously. 'There was no reason to him, you couldn't have stopped him! And if it hadn't been JD, then it would've been someone else who wouldn't have had you to save them.'

I shook my head, and tears suddenly spilled on to my cheeks. I wiped at them uselessly, turning my head away in embarrassment.

Carla's arms were tight around me. 'It's okay,' she whispered in my ear. 'It's okay, it's okay.' And I rested my forehead on her shoulder and wept, my shoulders shaking underneath her hands, and she cried too.

After a while, when the tears had stopped and we were just sitting silently and holding each other, the door opened and Gandhi came in. His face was pale and drawn and he eyed us uncertainly. We stared at him tensely, not moving.

'I have good news and bad news,' he croaked. His voice sounded horrible. How long had he been crying for? I didn't feel as ashamed about my own fit of tears now.

'Is the good news that JD's alive?' Carla said in a small voice.

'Yeah, he's stable.'

I felt her relax, and heard her breathe, 'Thank God.'

'And the bad news?' I said sharply.

Gandhi grimaced. I tensed, clenching my fists.

'Joe got away.'


End file.
